Multimedia Arts Organization Promoting Life and Healing After Abortion. Producers of the Live Production - The Life Ballet - and
Arise Sweet Sarah Film and Soundtrack.
Letter of Regret
To My Precious Son, Isaiah Nathaniel,
I pray my heart will never again know the grief I carried for so long after I made the decision to end your life in April of 1996. I was 19 yrs old and so naive, scared and selfish. I was in such a dark place in my life, searching for something to fill the empty places in my heart. At the time I became pregnant with you, I had left my family and friends and your father was all I thought I had. He let me know without a doubt that I could not give birth to you or he would leave me. Leave me to be alone in a new city with no friends/family around. I was terrified. When I finally decided to go through with the decision to abort you, my mind, body and soul instantly switched to autopilot. I began going through the motions day to day, making the appt, taking the necessary steps without really thinking about it, just doing it. As if I was in someone else's body looking in. I had no emotion; no feeling. I already felt nothing. I was already trying to protect myself (so I thought) from what I believe I knew would happen. I would spiral downward, with no hope, no life, not ever finding the answer to my endless searching. The awful day you were ripped from my womb, not only your life but also a part of me died that day. Even though for the next 12 years I tried as hard as I could not to think about it, not telling anyone or even entertaining memories, I never forgot you my son. As I went on to give birth to your 2 younger sisters, the thoughts of how old you would be, what you would look like and what kind of big brother you would be flooded my mind. Again, I had to shut them off. There was too much pain, guilt and shame. I had made the biggest mistake of my life that I would regret until my last day on this earth and I knew that with all of my being. I took your life Isaiah, your precious life that had such great purpose that was planned by God from before the first days were in existence. I wounded so many with my selfish choice; I negatively impacted the future with my horrible choice. It has been 16 yrs since I lost you and the regret and grief has not subsided. Although, as I write this letter to you today on April 23, 2012 I have confidence and walk in the truth that I have been forgiven by our Heavenly Father and also by you, my one and only son. I have asked for your forgiveness too many times to count and I know without a doubt you forgave me even before I asked, how precious you are. I thank you for the times you have appeared to me; as if you are truly standing there. I have seen your handsome face and even heard your voice calling out to me. I believe you have given that gift to me, to bring me peace and comfort. You are so very thoughtful. Although I do know you are in the best place one could imagine, sitting in the lap of God, holding the hand of Jesus and waiting on me and your family to arrive. It does not stop the frequent thoughts of you and how your life would be. You would be learning to drive now, playing sports I am sure and I know you would be such an incredible big brother to your sisters that love you so much. They both accepted you the moment they were made aware that you existed. They tell others that they have a brother in heaven. You have truly impacted their lives even though you are not here on earth. Yours is a common name in our household; you hold a precious place in the hearts of all of us. You have a garden and several memorial pieces around the house and around my neck. You are remembered daily, Isaiah Nathaniel! As you know, I have dedicated my life to speaking out on behalf of those that cannot speak for themselves, the unborn. Just as you were growing in my womb, a baby, a life created by God. I speak out to end the innocent bloodshed of one more life being destroyed by the lies this world and I at one time believed. I purpose to wake up every day asking the Holy Spirit to send someone into my life that I may share my testimony, of you Isaiah and my choice, my healing and my forgiveness through Christ. It is my hearts deepest desire to see other individuals healed from their choice to abort their child (ren) just as I did. To show them through my life, there is hope and that God is a God of mercy and grace and remembers their sin no more. Not long ago when I was overcome with grief and I was crying myself to sleep, missing you. I cried out to your Poppa - Why? Why did I abort him? and his answer was for God to use the testimony He has given me to help END abortion and to help bring healing to this land. The very purpose and plan that God has for my life, to honor you is the reason you are not here with me!! So, even in your death son you have brought life into this dark world. Until I see you in Heaven, when I pick you up in my arms and hold you, as my arms so long to do you will forever live in my heart. For every beat my heart takes, is your heartbeat too!
Eternally your Momma,